Confined Within a Dream
by stelyaria
Summary: ...my wishes stand far from reality...


As a child, I dreamt of many things. From simply envisioning myself with a lovely circle of friends to succeeding with flying colors. It all changed once I turned into an adult.

On some nights, I'd wake up with an unexpected amount of sadness rushing through me. Why did I wish to be wrapped in your arms? The comfortable feeling of your warmth on my cold and discouraged heart made me miss your presence more. What happened to us?

I never wanted to tell you directly, but I found it better if you directly heard the news from me. A short message would suffice, no need for such a long, boring speech on my part. It would be best for me to remove the band aid in one swift pull than slowly tugging on it and scarring the skin.

The words I had to say prepared in my mind, all aligned perfectly, segregated into their proper topics and subtopics. When I practiced in front of the mirror, my plan went smoothly. It was easy pretending without that heavy burden on my heart, without having to know that you were actually going to listen to it when you enter your office for work.

However, I could hardly get a syllable out once my call was directly transferred to voice mail. Seconds passed by and I was nowhere close to my goal. All that left my lips were stutters, hardly any coherent words. I didn't understand why. In all my years, I never had trouble expressing myself openly. Why does it fail when I need it most?

Somehow, I managed to pull through, breaking down quickly afterwards. I didn't realize how difficult the actual thing was going to be. Even though it felt like wasting those years I spent studying just to meet him again, I accepted the fact that I was no longer in your league, no longer fit to stand behind the defense's bench.

That wasn't the only thing I tried telling you over the phone. Did I forget to mention my new daughter? I was certain your reaction to that wouldn't be positive. First, I lost my job, the only way I supported myself in the past. Next, I have an eight-year-old child, which would obviously require many expenses on my part. Life sure is a funny game.

No matter how much I wished for all the struggles to be a dream, there's simply no way for that desire to come true. I'd close my eyes, fantasizing about the perfect fairytale life I imagined for the three of us. There I am, in my blue suit, standing next to you, our little magician, and the rest of our friends, the ones that went through our journey with us.

There was no denying it, that dream was far too childish, far too convenient to actually be reality. But what can I do? I dream about these impossibilities night after night, shedding waterfalls of tears as I wake up and find out not a single thing was true. "Must I truly fail at everything?"

More time passed by and I haven't heard a single word from you. My thoughts grew clouded with much negativity, things like you abandoning me swimming circles in my mind. I didn't want to believe it, I couldn't believe it. You may have made me think you were dead for about a year, but this is different. Don't tell me you've completely forgotten about your promise?

At this point in my life, I had to control what little stability I had left. Physically, I was fine. Mentally, I was holding on strong. Emotionally, I was total wreck. There was one method I could think of in my clogged mind, yet I was sure you would disapprove of it wholeheartedly.

Behind a mask, I hid the darkness of my life. The rest of the world only needed to see what the disguise showed. Remember what my mentor said? It's during the desperate times a lawyer has to force their brightest smiles. I may not have that occupation anymore, but a ghost of a smile could help me much in daily life. In this way, no one will have to know the sad truth.

I'll concede. It's immensely painful for me, but what other choice would I have? Anything else would seem rather depressing and difficult. I was doing my best to be strong, doing my best to be patient for your return. The fact that you'll be back for me was still firmly embedded into my mind.

Occasionally, in the club I currently work at, I'd sit in front of the piano and think of how you would make fun of me. With that dangerous smirk of yours, sarcasm drips on every word that you utter. "What's the worth of a pianist who cannot play a single song?" In my mind, both of us would laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Each time I would dream about that, I would remember the one thing I kept telling you in our phone calls. I'd would repeatedly say 'I miss you', but did you really know what I meant by those words? It wasn't about simply missing you, there's an underlying message hidden in the emotion of my voice. Could you have heard it all those times? It was yelling, "I want to see you!"

I would completely regret not saying it explicitly if you never uncovered it. Those conversations may have been the very last I had with you, the last chances life gave me to tell you what I really felt. I really took them for granted, didn't I?

Never would I have known that all of my dreams could come true one day. Starting with three knocks on a door and my cheerful daughter, things slowly became clear to me. Should I have not gotten up from bed that day? Or should I have decided to take overtime? Either way, I was not ready for this surprise.

Standing in the doorway of the entrance, a beauty in red looked at me with a sad, sad smile. Did my wish really just come true? Am I dreaming again? I didn't know. All I could comprehend was the fact that my mind was a total mess.

Was this really happening? Were you actually here with me? Are my eyes playing games with me?

Little did I know that my façade suddenly shattered. Tears streamed down my cheeks, sobs wracked my body, and my first instinct was engulf you into the tightest embrace my strength could give.

"I'm back, Phoenix."


End file.
